Issue #11 out now

Issue #11 out now

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  • Carrot

    You & I shall create a person.
    As acting cruel God, I will beset him with a toothache; rendering most thoughts
    metaphysical & esoteric the best part of redundant.
    You could put her in a beat up & battered pair of german paratrooper boots, a size
    too small, if you so wished.
    Akin to many of life’s fortunates, I shall make him of mixed-race parentage: Father
    of Polish extraction? A sturdy & stern, upright & downright political animal of a man
    from Lower Silesia. A slow-burning splenetic to boot, perhaps?
    Now for her Mother – a Ceutan? Yes! A blithe & libidinous ochre flame made
    feminine by flesh. To be near her is to be in the presence of one of Mother Nature’s
    favoured daughters. An obscure descendant of Ammi-Saduqa, no less.
    Let’s score in some rudimental sensibility for him. We can make her favourite joke,
    in its contextual entirity be: “Mam angielsku zagadke dla ciebie! Co to jest pomarancza,
    i brzmi jak papuga?………MARCHEWKA!”. After you translate this to English, shake your
    head & ask him why – she blushes & would like to change the subject.
    Time to send our man forth to stumble & gawk in the labyrinthine corridors of the
    collective mind.
    Paying no attention to the pattern (which you quite like for its Art Nouveau qualities) on
    the path-worn carpet, she has picked up pace now & if she had not of spent most of
    the quarter-mile walked assessing & cursing her footwear, she’d have noticed that
    every fifth door to her left is painted a pillar box red & ajar.
    Bored of this, I have him stop, turn to his right & come face to face with a diesel-blue,
    riveted metal door with CALIGULA ROOM scratched upon its surface.

    wes cooke
  • Cats Know What’s What

    The cat has turned
    her back
    on the tidings
    of Magpies
    high up on the roof.
    She has concerned herself
    with paw licking and
    catching the last
    rays of summer
    It’s all about
    Wood Pigeons
    these days
    anyway.

    Joanne McLaughlin
  • Pat Sharp’s Mullet

    Pat Sharp’s mullet
    went solo years ago

    Pat Sharp’s mullet
    now lives in Mexico

    Pat Sharp’s mullet,
    his middle name is Trouble

    Pat Sharp’s mullet
    is a highly paid stunt double

    Pat Sharp’s mullet
    saunters when on set

    Pat Sharp’s mullet
    lives life with no regret

    Pat Sharp’s mullet
    wears Primark never Prada

    Pat Sharp’s mullet
    drives a clapped out, old blue Lada

    Pat Sharp’s mullet
    likes sushi, coq au vin

    Pat Sharp’s mullet
    is a ruthless ladies man

    Wesley Cooke
  • After a long run of hard luck…

    … Anton won big at the casino. Let’s not get specific but it was a life-changing amount; more than enough. Anton didn’t have to take his own life, but the fact remains that this is what he did. Is it important to know why? Is it of interest? Perhaps and perhaps. He was a roulette aficionado if anything, but triumphed on the blackjack table. The rope was already coiled up in a cupboard back home. Make of that what you will because who keeps rope in their home anymore? I myself will probably go that way some day, but not like that, how Anton did it. He might have abandoned the game halfway through but for he caught a lucky break, being dealt a run of hands so winning that they beamed. By the end of the night he’d won, he calculated, more money than he’d ever put into the whole venture. The rope was long, longer than him and it was thick, like gym rope in a school. It’s hard to say how he was feeling as he turned in his cards. He had to loop it though a fixture in the ceiling and when it came down it piled handsomely upon the floor. The chips took some time to count out, stringent checks were performed upon his ID and there was a moment where he thought he was never going to be allowed to leave. Priapism is a common side- or after-effect. He exchanged a small amount of chips for cash and the rest was wired to his bank. A cab took him back home where he loosened his tie, poured himself a drink and sat down to take in the enormity of things. After that, well. After that is after that and we all know what happened next.

    JL Bogenschneider
  • Battlestar Senatehouse Library

    if we were aboard the
    Battlestar Galactica
    you’d probably be a Viper Pilot,
    and i’d probably be an engineer
    or a deckhand or something
    probably i was blown out of the air-lock with the rest of the
    nobodies
    back in the mini-series
    i’m pretty sure you’ll still be there by Season 3, caught-up in a
    sub-plot
    about the Cylons
    and whether you’re one
    i don’t mind, but
    when the writers finally decide
    it’s your time,
    spare a thought for the generic overalls guy

    Pete Lockwood
  • Penance

    He told me he’d come back if I pulled up my socks
    up past my thighs, up at where the leg stops.
    He told me he’d stay if I wore only an apron
    while brewing him coffee and frying his bacon.

    Now I’m not quite sure if he’s aware of this
    but bacon’s grease is angry, it hisses and spits.
    And this may not matter but when you’re wearing no clothes
    it bites at your shoulders, your breastbone, and toes.

    It’s a lamentable thing that no compromise comes
    when you’ve done something awful and you’re in the wrong.
    For his begrudging forgiveness, by his rules I’ll abide.
    I’ll click on the gaslight and burn up my pride.

    Anna Hogarth
  • ABOUT MY BED

    Oh no, not again I said
    I’m dreaming things
    about my bed

    With a lettuce quilt and
    a cream cheese spread

    I sleep on a piece
    of soft white bread.

    Floe Collins
  • Fumble mouth

    The longer he had not been with a girl, the more nervous he found himself when chatting to them.

    He would say “Anyone told you how attributive you are”.

    He wished he could summon up the witty banter his circle of friends texted each other.

    Out of his mouth came ‘Can I buy a pretzel girl like you a drink’, or ‘You doing anything latex tonight’.

    The problem worsened. In the end a psychoanalyst told him he had developed predictive talking.

    Julian Baker
  • Cynthia’s great disappointment.

    Cynthia lived in a lighthouse.
    The bulb had gone.
    So it was just a house.

    J A Allison
  • Cigarette Girl

    I took a drag from a tab
    then you floated out.
    Like slow motion smoke
    you hung in the space
    in front of my eyes
    for a few seconds, smiled,
    and faded into the night –
    as if the air sucked you into its lungs
    with no intention of blowing you out.

    Yet, still that image stirs sensors,
    in a section of my brain
    that deals with senses.
    And that snapshot of December has me remembering
    how the cold felt,
    and how the air smelled of Marlboro reds,
    and how we met at the bar later on,
    and how now,
    I breathe you in
    and you dissolve into me.

    John Baker
  • Stolen phone on George’s Street

    Swimming upstream
    Against the lunch crowd
    coming down
    Two mangy otters
    high on river junk
    have opportunity
    in their eyes

    Strike, a quick swoop
    a long skinny arm
    goes in for the lucky dip
    and pulls out a fancy phone

    Everybody swims on
    over the man on the ground
    holding on, red faced, full of instinct
    But too weak against the strength
    of a junky on a mission

    The glee in his eyes
    The smile on his face
    The speed in his
    body as he gets away.

    Away off up the road
    to god knows where
    Dissolving into Camden street
    with the Galaxy in his hand.

    Joanne McLaughlin
  • Perfectmatch.com

    She is made from freshly squeezed oranges
    Bio ewes milk yoghurt
    Organic nuts & apricots from Syria
    Oolong tea & Tofu spread oatcakes
    Moroccan Olives washed with sparkling dry wine
    in the evenings while she listens to her favourite
    Elgars Cello concerto.
    He is made from strong milky tea
    2 sugars please
    fried egg sandwiches on the hop
    burnt toast under beans & chips
    sugary doughnuts pork pies and iced fingers
    Golden Virginia & cans of Stella
    in the evenings while he watches his favourite
    A Touch of Frost episode.
    Their rendezvous – in the privacy of their laptops
    She gave him a vapour image; a surface smile
    He said: ‘I like your style’
    And gave her bland beige statistics in return.
    She declared she wanted only a plutonic relationship,
    Intimacy without sex,
    someone to share events, experiences, to have fun with,
    Nothing serious. Nothing more.
    He said ‘Yeah….me too’
    And shifted uncomfortably to change tactics
    Music, favourite songs, favourite memories
    Worst experiences, embarrassing tales,
    boring dialogues about work
    all shared feverishly every night
    Till eventually
    One night….
    In an outburst of unguarded passion
    Drinking one can of Stella too many;
    Desire bred on his fingers
    His lips, the root of his penis
    And he declared;
    “I REALLY WANT TO FUCK YOU”
    Silence logged her out
    The next morning, after a night of wrestling fantasies
    She logged back on to find he’d sent her
    The You Tube link
    Of Frank & Nancy Sinatra
    Singing ‘Something Stupid”
    She would marry that sausage egg & chip man
    As soon as he came back online….

    Charlie Right
  • A Moment’s Harm in the Graveyard

    Say hello to Hendon for me, I said.
    Did you make it to the Olympics? she replied.

    We met in a coffee house in Golders Green,
    sat and watched the parade of Jewish families,
    shalom, hello, moving between bakeries,
    cafés and restaurants, halal.
    Everything made you laugh; my northern accent,
    all of its foibles, and the names of tube-stops,
    especially and always Cockfosters.
    I did visit the Olympic village; she returned
    to London one summer,
    and walked Traf.Square,
    St.Pauls, Pal Mal – went as far out as Windsor.

    There was a garden once, I remind her in email,
    deep in the heart of Farringdon,
    in the grounds of a church, where we sat
    for the first time alone and kissed.
    You were all jostle and frisk, but
    a true English Gent must push to resist.
    Pulling towards dusk, in august, amongst
    the gravestones, we kissed, kissed
    and kissed.

    Christy Hall
  • Haircut

    Weird it was
    (disgusting too)
    That fresh day
    When quietly
    Walking to Sunday
    Market the
    Three of us
    Were
    Showered by
    The discarded
    Falling remnants
    Of a
    Haircut
    Hurled from some
    Overhanging balcony
    Window
    Florence in her
    New acrylic jumper
    All of us
    Unsure what to
    Feel or think
    Being touched all over
    By the dry rain
    Of somebody else’s
    Head.

    S. Andrus
  • The Tea

    I make some tea and we sit down.
    He sips and looks at me.
    We talk and laugh, I look at him,
    He sits and sips his tea.

    He sits, just where you used to sit,
    Right across from me.
    I look at him, he looks at me
    And sits and sips his tea.

    If he was you, I’d touch him now,
    But since he’s not I don’t.
    I feel inside I hate him now,
    For the things you did he won’t.

    His look is not the same as yours,
    Nor is his smile, his touch.
    I know it’s mean, he’s not to blame,
    It’s you I miss so much.

    The room, the tea, the chair, the night,
    All how it used to be.

    The only the thing that feels so wrong:
    It’s not you who looks at me.

    Louisa Lorenz
  • PERGATORY

    Imagine pergatory’s a gameshow,
    And Dale Winton is the host,
    And he decides who goes to heaven,
    By whose basket’s worth the most.

    Floe Collins
  • Under the Weather

    He looked up. The cloud which had been following him for several days was beginning to leak. He sighed; this was the last thing he needed. He would turn up to his date soaked to the skin and she would peer at the clear blue sky and wonder why she had agreed to meet such a dripping weirdo.
    He had woken up one morning and discovered the cloud balancing above him, bobbing and white. Half asleep, he had made a playful swipe at its middle and felt the moist fluffiness beneath his fingertips. The cloud soon got embarrassing, however, following him all the way to work and into his office. A few of his colleagues had thought it endearing until it dimmed and unfettered a small thunderstorm over his desk. His spreadsheets were ruined and his laptop was scorched.
    He began to run everywhere he went, in the hope of losing the perfectly rounded cloud. But it clung to the place above his head persistently; he could not lose it. And now it was about to shower over his date. He screwed his eyes shut in despair.
    In the black distance he heard a chuckle. Just as he arrived at the cafe, a rogue ray of sunshine had hit his little cloud. Over their heads arched a perfect rainbow, and the woman was clasping her hands in delight. No-one’s ever brought me a rainbow before, she said. He could only smile and pat his damp burden happily.

    Xenobe Purvis
  • Hangover

    A saccharine sensation, sticky and wet,
    the morning on the tip of my tongue,
    the night layered across my teeth.

    Blue slithers of my eyes water themselves,
    from between heavy lids, drip into waking
    and find themselves regretful of their venture.

    Hair plays at monkey games on my jungled face,
    swinging from nose to ear to sky,
    and i?
    I remain unable to be swayed from the swaying.

    Mercedes Dawson
  • Fan Fiction

    When it comes to men in books
    Everything’s about sex

    They want

    Mr Darcy in the drawing room

    Heathcliff on the moors

    Rochester and his great big

    Dog

    I don’t know
    If I ever met Dorian Gray, I’d probably just ask him to tea.

    Marjolein Heemskerk
  • London’s backwaters

    12:00

    In my hideout away from London in N1, I can hear birdsong and smell the sweet burnt coal from the boats. City noises evaporate and nature resounds.

    High-pitched whistles and tweets from the birds push away the heights of crowded buildings, and the clouds are visible once more.

    All I dream of is here, in amongst the concrete mass, yet so far removed. Urban sprawl conquered by nature’s sprawl. Lapping water carrying cares downstream.

    And in the summer here, it is heaven. Only clouded by the thought of a full turn of the clock.

    13:00 and London returns.

    Alix Land
  • Sick Day

    Discreetly sneezing into an elbow
    (always your own)
    in accordance with the latest advice
    You are the master of cold and flu etiquette
    Until, feeling bolder, you remove your cardigan
    You forgot about the sodden tissues
    stowed in sleeves
    now raining to the ground
    Your colleagues pretend not to notice
    the two-ply chemical weapons you’ve just unleashed
    Later they’ll say
    She should have stayed at home.

    Fiona Nelson