The Anus Scale Chart




Debbie McGee






John Allison


I watched it so,
As to not be seen.
Cracks of chapped lips,
Received Vaseline.

Now on her face,
Encased in slime,
Two slugs do rest
But not entwined.

Callum Copley

Outside the doctor’s

Walking past the surgery
A queue of ailments
Wish I knew what you all had

Jerry Turner

The Shift

Again in this extended box,
that isolates any chance of my
escape plan mutating alongside
the others here,

whom I know search a similar plea
with empty hands, that struggle
to have their previous contents replaced.

We hold out our callous free palms,
hoping our life lines will be once again rubbed with gold, just enough
to keep any wolves at bay.

But for now, our fingers hover like dragon flies, over the keyboards that are now clogged with dead skin and visible traces of boredom, and the voices then start to pour down the lines with a vaccine-less venom.

And to release each one at will would be a far to easy escape; instead I allow that headset to
melt with my skull, and allow the first hour to take its toll, and lead me once more in this merry dance.

Jonathan Butcher

Blue vein


Admiral of cheeses,
placed on high behind the glass,
your steady survey indifferent
to the taunts of creamy sisters
who flaunt in rows for late night shoppers.
Who are they to me?

You reason in my basket and whisper,
humiliate my bread and beer
with lectures of exalted pursuits
and simple daily pleasures
when rhyming poets walked with gods.

I will not martyr you in modern ovens,
nor melt your maturing angles
(and with it my prejudices)
on burning toast,
but slice your flesh and serve you with a cheerful dried fig.



  I still hear
          the split of your laugh

the sound of the half-way dead nee alive

      in the smallness
growing, dizzy on dark
          at the back of the old cinema
making homes for strays
and legends
      unravelling at the hems

our laces brambled tangles
and pockets
       bleeding an unpieced puzzle
on forgotten tarmac
       debris of our ghosts
turning walls in the day-lit hours
            until our echoes ring faint

and no-one remembers
      or the traces that we left.

Zelda Chappel

The other

We’d gone to see it on our way home,
That place he’d held noisome fun before St Vincent ended the party.
Standing on the path, we looked past
His house, the thing we’d come to visit, and elsewhere,
Out onto that palely glowing surface.

When it happened,
When the white sun melted into a sheen and the waves broke
Far away, you took my wrist
And asked me if I felt it,
The soft, cold approach of night
That made our day curl backwards
In on itself. I did.

But that evening had been our friend,
So I kept quiet, not wanting to spoil what was coming,
To leap ahead to darkness and miss the twirl
Of thin, translucent, bright grey silent light.

Emily Jeffrey-Barrett

And then there was light

The Lady of the Night had the darkness wrapped in a colossal handkerchief. She settled the cloth over the town of her creation – because not only was she the Lady of the Night but the lady of life. This was, if truth be told, a rather large hankie, but equally this was a rather large lady. As the fabric fell the light crept in and the sky without moon lay on its back across the ceiling of the town hour upon hour. Shortly before the sun stretched out, creaking its bones, and awaking the belly of fire, there shone a beaming voice shattering the town:

“Ellie breakfast is ready. Hurry up!!!”

Rumbling earth followed briskly beneath their feet. Houses tumbled and bounced and many a person was knocked along the ground. Time passed between the voice and the beginning of daytime, but daytime, they knew, would eventually shine. They were made in her image but on a much smaller scale; she brought so much feeling and hope to the people – the Lady is love!

When the darkness came they only ever assumed peace, quiet…darkness until the slow rising of the light much, much later. Water rushed and dragged homes with it – person after person lost in the swell. She with her mighty hands scooped the crushing, tumbling jar of light from its path of destruction, quashed the mighty waves and soaked up the town. She, the omnipotent – the gentle saviour.

Morning never came gradually, the time to adjust never factored in; it happened in a sudden sweep and those that have been around to testify say that you can see the darkness seep and drag across the blue sky like a magician’s table cloth tugging, pulling in it’s wake the sun from the ocean but leaving the sky un-harmed, leaving the stars and moon in place, hidden and outshone by the brighter. As we now know we have no organic order to control our cycle, there is only her, the Lady.

Nigel Buckley

Film in 140 characters

James Bond, Freddie Krueger, “Dirty” Harry Callahan, Amelie Poullain, Bobba Fett, Sugar Kane Kowalcyk, Dirk Diggler, Patrick Bateman, Jessica Rabbit, Roy Batty, Withnail, Nurse Ratched & R.P. McMurphy, “Cool Hand” Luke, George Bailey, Scarlett O’Hara, Keyser Soze, Atticus Finch, Will Hunting, Martin Riggs, Hannibal Lector & Clarice Starling, Brody & Quint, Harry Potter, Rocky Balboa, Maximus Decimus Meridius, Donnie Darko, Mary Poppins, Ellis “Red” Redding, Marv, Mr Blonde, Cobb, Simba, Oskar Schindler, Jack Carter, The Driver, Phil Connors & The Groundhog, Randy “The Ram” Robinson, Hal-9000, Woody & Buzz, William Wallace, Tony Stark, Blade, Anton Chigurh, Rick Blaine, Tommy Devito, Ace Ventura, Hans Solo & Darth Vader, Ivan Drago, Annie Hall, Johnny Hooker, Michael Corleone, Forrest Gump, Travis Bickle, John McClane & Hans Gruber, Lt Ellen Ripley, Randal Graves, Lisbeth Sander, Luke Skywalker & Princess Leia Organa, Vincenzo Coccotti, Wolverine, Norman Bates, Axel Foley, Marge Gunderson, Ed & Shaun, Jack Torrence, Snake Plissken, Clark Kent, Fast Eddie Felson, Jigsaw, Daniel Plainview, Peter Parker, Don Logan, White Goodman, Leon & Mathilda, The Bride, Frank Booth, Napolean Dynamite, E.T., Dracula, Dr Rumack, Charles Foster Kane, The Elephant Man, J.J.Mclure & Captain Chaos, Batman, Bullet Tooth Tony, Ted, Jason Bourne, Tequila, Edward Scissorhands, Alex Delarge, Peter Venkman, Juno MacGuff, Yoda, Tony Montana, Indiana Jones, Harry Burns & Sally Albright, Martin Q Blank, The Wicked Witch of the West, Neo & Agent Smith, Lt. Frank Drebin, Marty & Doctor Emmett Brown, Jack Carter, Arnie Grape, Tony Manero, The Joker, Susie Diamond, The Dude & Walter Sobchak, Gandalf & Gollum, Marsellus Wallace, Truman Burbank, Wayne & Garth, Holly Golightly, Jacques Mesrine, Harry Lime, Annie Wilkes, Mrs Robinson & Benjamin Braddock, Captain Jack Sparrow, Tyler Durden, Mark “Chopper” Read, Ferris Bueller, Wall-E, The Man With No Name, Ron Burgundy, The Terminator.

Jack Starks


she taught me again today, the sea

(i returned like a reformed drunk

still ill with booze but ready for rebirth)

filled with the pomp of learning at

her altar yesterday, i stepped off the

shale ledge to commune with her, embalm.

The judder hyperventilation scramble footing

scraped furrows in clod thick feet

and soles communed with rapid death

to get out. YOU ARE NOT READY

the sun crackled salt skin like a piglet

on the spit, laid out on the trillion gems

that clickered millennia like rollers

casting factory carcasses off to cure. mim

Rick Holand

Closer And Less Irritable

Like stubble on shaven genitalia
take the rough with the smooth
in those simple moments
of pleasure

I’m a suicide case suited to you
and unpacked I found the light lit
with a match struck off the inside
of your thighs
and the outside of my face
-graze graced
we have that spark
that sandpaper charm

and it’s a true flame
not a lighter, perfect photo finish
or electric heater

just real unphotoshopped people
ugly in places
but smoothed out rubbed down
and repainted
in our own time

let’s go on holiday somewhere shit

so we can reminisce
about the good times
rather than try to recreate them

without realising we

distil nostalgia to be bottled up and aged
lying-in beds made only to be unmade
by making

not a vivid memory,
just a contribution to the bank
to something worth saving up for
that feeling
that we’re happy.

Unbuckle your bra strap
and I won’t wear socks to bed
and we’ll feel sexy for the effort
even though

we’re probably not.

And I’ll kiss you then snore
like a trumpet playing an ode to us
us happy unperfect perfectly happy us


James Wheale

J D Wetherspoons

A Haiku Cycle

i (spring)

damp leatherette seat
slowly dries under air-con.
special offer drinks
ii (summer)

a Beer and Burger
served on a sticky table-
J D Wetherspoons
iii (autumn)

aromatic spice
a taste of the orient
it’s raining in Hull
iv (winter)

at opening time
the loyal flock through the doors.
they are there at close

Andrew James Brown


A letter in her hand,
she walks slowly,
in brave, expensive shoes
to the exit.

Juliet Wilson


The eternal conundrum that what which one calls “life” and that.



John Allison


i really don’t know how to
tell you
that i have to stop myself
thinking about you,
mostly at night.
You seem to work the
days i go in,
and you look at me
everytime –
and its like wtf am i
supposed to do
i play it cool, too cool and
look at you
like i look at everyone
which is so bad because
you’re not
everyone else,
and by the time i
withdraw cash
you’re sitting down in
your booth
talking to somebody
whose just
moved into London.

Sarah Chapman

The Client We Had To Kill

It wasn’t something we wanted to do
That, my friend, you and I both knew
We didn’t have a choice at all
We made that choice and made the call

You phoned that bloke in Kentish Town
I made the plan and wrote it down
We made a pact right then and there
“She has to go, it’s only fair”

The stupid comments and stupid hair
And stupid questions and stupid stare
The stupid meetings, her stupid voice
Her stupid logic for every choice

She used to leave us seething mad
With moronic points on every ad
We tried so hard to make it better,
You even wrote that lovely letter

But now she’s gone and never more
We killed the bitch, the fucking whore
We knew the cost and up we coughed
Come quarter three, we’ll write that off

Jerry Turner

Come Again

A child of breaking tendencies I grew up
on ‘mols & ‘phens See me?
See ma Ma’ Then the Lord grants me a
Come rain or shine Come again Come
right on time Come on the five, or on the
You simply must make tea. There’s
no two ways about it. Come full circle,
marmalade accomplice Contrarily; I
doubt it.
Come rain or shine Come again Come
right on time Come on the five, or on the
I get a little mad at them as, They step
into my night time. Cuppah-OJ-Weet-a-
Bix-Get up and walk the line style I, mean
Come rain or shine Come again Come
right on time Come on the five, or on the
What’s your story, multi faceted. All MOD
cons, no knickers. Bit bitter for strippers..
slip of the tongue. Slip of the tongue.
Come rain or shine Come again Come
right on time Come on the five, or on the
Sit down Fat Larry for I’ve known you a
long time. Furlongs of time, for long is a
long time. But little white ones tire, bore
even like minds.
Come rain or shine Come again Come
right on time Come on the five, or on the
Brightest of boys but must try harder.
There’s no account for this misorder.
House of Lords. House of Strangers.
There’s no ‘Lords’. There’s no saviour.
Come rain or shine Come again Come
right on time Come on the five, or on the
Hold your horses soldier Take one step
back and wave. Now sling your nose up
over your shoulder And keep walking,

Daniel Higginson

Summer Haiku

Warm night air which cloaks
and softens sounds: muffled laughs;
Birdsong; passing cars.

Alix Land

Don’t Forget

Don’t forget the day
she whispered into your ear
short verse is sexy.

Jonny Rodgers

The Amount Of Sugar

Over time I’ve been
gradually reducing
the amount of sugar
I put in your tea.
I think you’re getting
fat but can’t bear
to tell you. This is
my way of helping
you control your

Kat Franceska

I Am Your Fear

I Am Your Fear
Marianna Madriz

24 Songs By Bob Dylan

A hard rain’s a-gonna fall.
Baby, stop crying. Can you please crawl out your window?

Desolation row.

Emotionally yours.

Forever young. Girl from the North Country.

Had a dream about you baby.
I wanna be your lover. Jet Pilot. Knockin’ on heaven’s door.

Lay, lady, lay.
Mama, you been on my mind.

Nobody ‘cept you.

Oh, sister.
Peggy Day.
Quit your low down ways.
Rollin’ and tumblin’. Sad-eyed Lady of the Lowlands. Tangled up in blue.

Under the red sky.
Visions of Johanna.
Watching the river flow.

You’re gonna make me lonesome when you go.

Kim Hillyard

The Noodle Dictionary

1. Noodling – a specific event involving noodles.
“Hey, you want to go noodling tonight?”

2. Noodler – a person that proclaims to be a noodle lover.
“ That Christine is a true noodler”

3. Noodledoo – unfocused drawing of noodles made while a person’s attention is otherwise occupied.
“What are those scribbles on your page?” “ It’s noodledoo”

4. Noodletastic – of extraordinary degree.
“That is seriously noodletastic!”

5. Noodlism – the art of eating noodles.
“ Dylan was a true noodlist, he knew the way of noodlism’

Christine Choe






Pelin Ergün

Ink And…

Ink And…
Dana Nicola

Grown-Ups Are Weird

“Mummy, why do you call daddy Steve?”

“Because that’s his name.”

“Mummy, why do I call Steve daddy?”

Steve Howson

A Puck-A-Lips

If the world ended
I would have nothing to confess.
Instead, in those fleeting moments
before death,
I would turn to you and ask

Jessica Cook