James Bond, Freddie Krueger, “Dirty” Harry Callahan, Amelie Poullain, Bobba Fett, Sugar Kane Kowalcyk, Dirk Diggler, Patrick Bateman, Jessica Rabbit, Roy Batty, Withnail, Nurse Ratched & R.P. McMurphy, “Cool Hand” Luke, George Bailey, Scarlett O’Hara, Keyser Soze, Atticus Finch, Will Hunting, Martin Riggs, Hannibal Lector & Clarice Starling, Brody & Quint, Harry Potter, Rocky Balboa, Maximus Decimus Meridius, Donnie Darko, Mary Poppins, Ellis “Red” Redding, Marv, Mr Blonde, Cobb, Simba, Oskar Schindler, Jack Carter, The Driver, Phil Connors & The Groundhog, Randy “The Ram” Robinson, Hal-9000, Woody & Buzz, William Wallace, Tony Stark, Blade, Anton Chigurh, Rick Blaine, Tommy Devito, Ace Ventura, Hans Solo & Darth Vader, Ivan Drago, Annie Hall, Johnny Hooker, Michael Corleone, Forrest Gump, Travis Bickle, John McClane & Hans Gruber, Lt Ellen Ripley, Randal Graves, Lisbeth Sander, Luke Skywalker & Princess Leia Organa, Vincenzo Coccotti, Wolverine, Norman Bates, Axel Foley, Marge Gunderson, Ed & Shaun, Jack Torrence, Snake Plissken, Clark Kent, Fast Eddie Felson, Jigsaw, Daniel Plainview, Peter Parker, Don Logan, White Goodman, Leon & Mathilda, The Bride, Frank Booth, Napolean Dynamite, E.T., Dracula, Dr Rumack, Charles Foster Kane, The Elephant Man, J.J.Mclure & Captain Chaos, Batman, Bullet Tooth Tony, Ted, Jason Bourne, Tequila, Edward Scissorhands, Alex Delarge, Peter Venkman, Juno MacGuff, Yoda, Tony Montana, Indiana Jones, Harry Burns & Sally Albright, Martin Q Blank, The Wicked Witch of the West, Neo & Agent Smith, Lt. Frank Drebin, Marty & Doctor Emmett Brown, Jack Carter, Arnie Grape, Tony Manero, The Joker, Susie Diamond, The Dude & Walter Sobchak, Gandalf & Gollum, Marsellus Wallace, Truman Burbank, Wayne & Garth, Holly Golightly, Jacques Mesrine, Harry Lime, Annie Wilkes, Mrs Robinson & Benjamin Braddock, Captain Jack Sparrow, Tyler Durden, Mark “Chopper” Read, Ferris Bueller, Wall-E, The Man With No Name, Ron Burgundy, The Terminator.
Category: Issue 4
mim
she taught me again today, the sea
(i returned like a reformed drunk
still ill with booze but ready for rebirth)
filled with the pomp of learning at
her altar yesterday, i stepped off the
shale ledge to commune with her, embalm.
The judder hyperventilation scramble footing
scraped furrows in clod thick feet
and soles communed with rapid death
to get out. YOU ARE NOT READY
the sun crackled salt skin like a piglet
on the spit, laid out on the trillion gems
that clickered millennia like rollers
casting factory carcasses off to cure. mim
Closer And Less Irritable
Like stubble on shaven genitalia
take the rough with the smooth
in those simple moments
of pleasure
Babes,
I’m a suicide case suited to you
and unpacked I found the light lit
with a match struck off the inside
of your thighs
and the outside of my face
-graze graced
we have that spark
that sandpaper charm
and it’s a true flame
not a lighter, perfect photo finish
or electric heater
just real unphotoshopped people
ugly in places
but smoothed out rubbed down
and repainted
in our own time
let’s go on holiday somewhere shit
so we can reminisce
about the good times
rather than try to recreate them
without realising we
distil nostalgia to be bottled up and aged
lying-in beds made only to be unmade
by making
not a vivid memory,
just a contribution to the bank
to something worth saving up for
that feeling
that we’re happy.
Unbuckle your bra strap
and I won’t wear socks to bed
and we’ll feel sexy for the effort
even though
we’re probably not.
And I’ll kiss you then snore
like a trumpet playing an ode to us
us happy unperfect perfectly happy us
J D Wetherspoons
A Haiku Cycle
i (spring)
damp leatherette seat
slowly dries under air-con.
special offer drinks
ii (summer)
a Beer and Burger
served on a sticky table-
J D Wetherspoons
iii (autumn)
aromatic spice
a taste of the orient
it’s raining in Hull
iv (winter)
at opening time
the loyal flock through the doors.
they are there at close
Notice
A letter in her hand,
she walks slowly,
in brave, expensive shoes
to the exit.
Life
The eternal conundrum that what which one calls “life” and that.
If
oranges
are
called
oranges
why
aren’t
lemons
called
yellows
?
Global Warning
HSBC Boy
i really don’t know how to
tell you
that i have to stop myself
from
thinking about you,
mostly at night.
You seem to work the
days i go in,
and you look at me
everytime –
and its like wtf am i
supposed to do
i play it cool, too cool and
look at you
like i look at everyone
else,
which is so bad because
you’re not
everyone else,
and by the time i
withdraw cash
you’re sitting down in
your booth
talking to somebody
whose just
moved into London.
The Client We Had To Kill
It wasn’t something we wanted to do
That, my friend, you and I both knew
We didn’t have a choice at all
We made that choice and made the call
You phoned that bloke in Kentish Town
I made the plan and wrote it down
We made a pact right then and there
“She has to go, it’s only fair”
The stupid comments and stupid hair
And stupid questions and stupid stare
The stupid meetings, her stupid voice
Her stupid logic for every choice
She used to leave us seething mad
With moronic points on every ad
We tried so hard to make it better,
You even wrote that lovely letter
But now she’s gone and never more
We killed the bitch, the fucking whore
We knew the cost and up we coughed
Come quarter three, we’ll write that off
Come Again
A child of breaking tendencies I grew up
on ‘mols & ‘phens See me?
See ma Ma’ Then the Lord grants me a
Benz
Come rain or shine Come again Come
right on time Come on the five, or on the
ten
You simply must make tea. There’s
no two ways about it. Come full circle,
marmalade accomplice Contrarily; I
doubt it.
Come rain or shine Come again Come
right on time Come on the five, or on the
ten.
I get a little mad at them as, They step
into my night time. Cuppah-OJ-Weet-a-
Bix-Get up and walk the line style I, mean
while..
Come rain or shine Come again Come
right on time Come on the five, or on the
ten
What’s your story, multi faceted. All MOD
cons, no knickers. Bit bitter for strippers..
slip of the tongue. Slip of the tongue.
Come rain or shine Come again Come
right on time Come on the five, or on the
ten
Sit down Fat Larry for I’ve known you a
long time. Furlongs of time, for long is a
long time. But little white ones tire, bore
even like minds.
Come rain or shine Come again Come
right on time Come on the five, or on the
ten
Brightest of boys but must try harder.
There’s no account for this misorder.
House of Lords. House of Strangers.
There’s no ‘Lords’. There’s no saviour.
Come rain or shine Come again Come
right on time Come on the five, or on the
ten
Hold your horses soldier Take one step
back and wave. Now sling your nose up
over your shoulder And keep walking,
dickhead.
Summer Haiku
Warm night air which cloaks
and softens sounds: muffled laughs;
Birdsong; passing cars.
Don’t Forget
Don’t forget the day
she whispered into your ear
short verse is sexy.
The Amount Of Sugar
Over time I’ve been
gradually reducing
the amount of sugar
I put in your tea.
I think you’re getting
fat but can’t bear
to tell you. This is
my way of helping
you control your
weight.
I Am Your Fear
24 Songs By Bob Dylan
A hard rain’s a-gonna fall.
Baby, stop crying. Can you please crawl out your window?
Desolation row.
Emotionally yours.
Forever young. Girl from the North Country.
Had a dream about you baby.
I wanna be your lover. Jet Pilot. Knockin’ on heaven’s door.
Lay, lady, lay.
Mama, you been on my mind.
Nobody ‘cept you.
Oh, sister.
Peggy Day.
Quit your low down ways.
Rollin’ and tumblin’. Sad-eyed Lady of the Lowlands. Tangled up in blue.
Under the red sky.
Visions of Johanna.
Watching the river flow.
You’re gonna make me lonesome when you go.
The Noodle Dictionary
1. Noodling – a specific event involving noodles.
“Hey, you want to go noodling tonight?”
2. Noodler – a person that proclaims to be a noodle lover.
“ That Christine is a true noodler”
3. Noodledoo – unfocused drawing of noodles made while a person’s attention is otherwise occupied.
“What are those scribbles on your page?” “ It’s noodledoo”
4. Noodletastic – of extraordinary degree.
“That is seriously noodletastic!”
5. Noodlism – the art of eating noodles.
“ Dylan was a true noodlist, he knew the way of noodlism’
Play
“PLAY BEGINS AND THEN AT
A CERTAIN MOMENT IT
IS OVER.OTHERWISE IT IS NOT PLAY!
AND PLAY BEGINS WHEN EVERYDAY LIFE IS OVER.”
JOHN CLEESE
Ink And…
Grown-Ups Are Weird
“Mummy, why do you call daddy Steve?”
“Because that’s his name.”
…
“Mummy, why do I call Steve daddy?”
A Puck-A-Lips
If the world ended
I would have nothing to confess.
Instead, in those fleeting moments
before death,
I would turn to you and ask
“Sex?”
Bag For Life
Check you out with your bag for life oh!
What you got inside?
A summer fruit trifle.
Oh my word that sounds delightful, I must get me one of those bags for life oh.
Check you out with your brand new Kindle!
What you got inside?
A bit of Ruth Rendell.
Oh my word that sounds stupendful, I must get me one of those poxy plastic Kindles.
Check you out with your speedy boarding pass!
We’re getting on the same plane mate, we’ll get there just as fast.
You’ve gone from sitting down, to sitting on your arse!
Oh, how I wish I had a speedy boarding pass.
New York
I sat in the pub drinking my beer
and looking at the TV screens
as New York got a hammering from the superstorm.
For all I knew New York could sink
but I would still be here
just me and my beer.
6 Nov 2012
in a basement gig
on election night
trying to forget about
time. strobe lights
split images, benign
exit signs illuminated.
all i can think about
is you.
Integers at bus stops,
slipping past the crowds,
now down in this cavernous
void you wouldn’t think
was central london. sheltered
from the news, i lock
eyes and some kate bush
comes on. i forget
my heart is a swing state,
i’ve never known what i
wanted. the security of
a home, the passionate
dirty smog of change,
readymade. have another
warm san miguel with me
it can’t matter all the time.
looking back, it does seem
i’ve had a history of
severe anxiety, sitting
by the island in the inlet
at the park, and how
everybody fit together,
and then she said, “all
i’ve read makes me blue”
Serotonin & Dopamine
Belief in something, some sort of faith, an idea of where you are going, trusting where you want to be.
Knowing it’s going to be alright even though life is tough and people are unkind.
Not caring.
Not sharing the same life as someone else.
We are people who can stand on two feet, we are vertical. We are erect.
Don’t follow, pave your own path. A new route.
Enjoy the unkind, see the humour.
Wallowing in the mud will get you stuck.
Take risks.
Move in uncouth ways.
Make people feel uncomfortable.
Fall over on purpose so others laugh at you.
Find what you are good at then get great, find what you are shit at then get good. Progress.
Seem happier than you are.
If you have something to say, write it on a wall.
Swear.
Don’t regret but do apologize.
Find new words, places and people.
Feed your mind, starve those who eat all your ideas, they will only regurgitate them.
Don’t harm anyone’s feeling or bodies.
Be busy.
Fall in love, have your heart broken and learn to move on.
Remember the good forget the bad.
Mistakes are genius.
Doorways
she said
no
after you
she said
pearls before swine
shit before shovel
tears before bedtime
she said
don’t look at me like that
you started it
she said
tonight
when you’re alone
doing yourself
you’ll be doing me
Root Ball Terror
Puddles of earth? More curious than an empty packet of crinkle cut or stray Tesco carrier bloated on sea breeze.
A trail of ericaceous led me to a boisterous four by four. Our infant tree tossed like a badger in accidental murder.
Displaced below street level, his outlook is uncertain.
Angry person, avert your gaze. You are not a postman so don’t open gates, grab plants like turkey necks and hurl them at private number plates.
Five Seven Five
(Leon to his mom)
Inspiration is feeling
I’m feelin you dawg
Tomato
ou say either and I say either,
You say neither and I say neither,
Either, either, neither, neither,
You like potato and I like potato,
You like tomato and I like tomato,
Potato, potato, tomato, tomato!
Because our relationship only exists online.
Lost
Sixth Toe
