You know what pisses me off about Draw Something? PEOPLE. Stupid, lazy fucking people.

For those that don’t know (are you serious?), Draw Something is the latest app to make people drop their yoghurt. It’s basically Pictionary without the time limit – hang on a minute. How did they get away with that?! Maybe we should all take a popular board game, remove something fairly unimportant and make an app. It’s the modern day get-rich-quick scheme.

Anyway, back to the people. The fucking people. The people that think it’s ok to draw ‘table’ because ‘dandruff’ is too tricky. Just draw a Head and Shoulders bottle! We could earn 3 coins! I may take it a little too seriously. I tend to avoid (or delete) my best friends if they pick a one coiner, or draw something so ludicrously abstract I waste half an hour crying with rage, frantically pressing the shuffle letters button. They don’t deserve me.

I’m not gonna lie, I’ve become a master at this game. OK, a master of half this game. People come to me to help them guess because of the idiots I’m used to playing. But drawing is in my top 3 weakest skills (my girlfriend can tell you the others). But I try, I really try (go on, ask her). I look at my drawings before I send them and smile. I even draw them in a way that makes it easier to guess quickly so you don’t waste your precious time.

That’s all I ask from fellow players. Fucking DRAW something, don’t waste my time. Be considerate, it’s a team game.

That reminds me, I need to draw Shrek for my shrink.

The Hundred and One Dalmatians
Dodie Smith 1956

MDNA is Madonna’s twelfth studio album, and the first since 2008’s Hard Candy.

Anticipation has been high for MDNA, particularly after the singer’s widely praised performance at this year’s Super Bowl XLVI half time show, which scored a record audience of 114 million.

Lead single Give Me All Your Luvin’, featuring Nicki Minaj and M.I.A., became Madonna’s record-extending 38th top 10 single in the United States, whilst the music video for latest single Girl Gone Wild, a throwback to the singer’s Erotica days, has been banned on open view on YouTube due to sexually explicit content.

Needless to say, this has all generated a huge amount of publicity for the singer’s latest album. Early reviews of the record were glowing, with Billboard referring to it as ‘sheer brilliance’. So, does it live up to the hype? In short, yes. MDNA is an eclectic album, full of dance tracks practically made for summer, pop songs and reflective ballads.

Whilst perhaps not as strong as earlier albums, such as Ray of Light or Like A Virgin, MDNA is a solid album that reestablishes Madonna alongside her contemporaries.

Highlights include I’m Addicted, I Don’t Give A…, Love Spent and Masterpiece.

I’m a hippopotamus
When I’m alone, just I.

But when there’s lots of us
We are hippopotami.

Sweet, sticky golden rain
forms puddles of goo
on dense, creamy goodness
and drips down to soak
graham cracker crumbs
and quickly disappear
with the quick swipe of
my grateful tongue

Look at these buildings
these massive temples
with all the facade
and the intricate stonework
and ironmongery.

Maintenance will be required.
and you will be the ones who wipe
the soot and grime off
with raw hands
in the depths of winter.

We will keep you.

These people who live here
These people who live here.
These are people who go jogging at 9am.
These are people who put up signs
like no ball games.

These people have nothing to do
with being hungover on a bus.

May
It’s like waiting for an invisible guillotine
an empty forest
without me in it
to witness
the orchestrated fall

And so,
soundless
your absence
2am will never be the same

I miss you
sometimes
your arms
surpass
my ability
to comprehend
history

The heir to the Tippex fortune spent his inheritance on jets, cars, women and parties – it wasn’t long before he’d wiped it out.

Door bell.
Shake hands.
Coat off.

Push through.
Kitchen throng.
Warm wine.

Living room.
Background chatter.
Scan round.

Not him.
Not him.
Not him.

Eye contact.
Not you.
Not him.

But you.
Yes you.
And how.

And now.
Glide over.
Small talk.

Bigger claims.
Wider smiles.
Delicate touches.

Guiding hands.
Taxi called.
Coats retrieved.

Threshold crossed.
Eyes closed.
Forever started.

Think
Why are pigs pink?
Are they of a delicate nature and blush easily,
Or is it just their favourite colour.
I think they are pretty
And I’m sure you’d agree,
They wouldn’t look any good in Blue or Khaki.
Pigs are best pink.

Benji
Fastest Dog in the West
Joe Camp 1978

2000 was the future
when I was a kid.

2000 is a thread count
for my mum.

2000 has a Wikipedia entry.

In 2000 I moved to London.

Gisbourne, New Zealand was the first city to welcome the year 2000.

Kubrick didn’t live to the year 2000.

In the year 2000 the world was supposed to end.

Enigma 2000 has nothing to do
with the above prediction.

United Religions target
date was 2000.

2000 was official year of
culture and peace.

2000 was a leap year.

In 2000 Barbie represented educational excellence and new opportunities for girls.

Sydney hosted the Olympics
in the year 2000.

In 2000 Ken Livingstone becomes the first mayor of London.

Al Gore loses the presidential election in 2000.

I will never live to celebrate my 2000th birthday.

—Knock knock.
—Who’s there?
—It’s the police.
—It’s the police who?
—It’s the police. I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident.